Crazy Cat Lady

Bad friend
----------------

-I won't return your phone calls for a long time. Unless it's a dire friend emergency.

-I won't send you a card for your birthday.

-I'll probably forget your birthday.

-I won't RSVP to your event in time (sorry, Kim =)

-I'll beg you to hang out and wait for me while I hook up with a guy.

-I'll give you crap about your crappy boyfriend, ex-bf, etc.

-I'll make you listen about mine.

-I'll brag about the great sex I'm having, even when I know you're not having it. (It's not done maliciously though, just out of the pure excitement that I'm having great sex).

-I'll complain and rant when I'm having bad sex.

-Even when the chain email you send me has a disclaimer saying "if you love me, you'll send this back to me," I won't send it back to you.

-In fact, I'll break that fucking chain letter right then and there.

-Then I'll bitch about the fact that you're loading up my inbox with that shit.

-I'll make you come pick me up from Outback when I lock my keys in my car.

-I'll make fun of you when you're worthy of being made fun of.

-I won't drive you to the abortion clinic.

Good friend
-----------------

-I will lend you a slight hand in raising the child you didn't abort.

-I'll hold your hair when you're puking up your guts.

-If we're close enough to exchange presents at Christmas, more than likely I'm actually gonna put thought into it and get you something I think you'll like.

-I'd back you up in a fight.

-Unless of course, they outweigh me by 100 pounds, then you're on your own.

-I'd call the ambulance for you though.

-I will call your boyfriend's place and pretend to be a wrong number to see if another girl
answers.

-I would take you to the hospital if you were ill.

-I will drive you by your boyfriend/ex's house in the middle of the night so you can see if he's lying about being sick, or just because you want me to.

-I would come pick up your drunk ass and make sure you got home safely.

-If we're at work and I notice one of the office lame-o's planting himself at your desk and not shutting his yap, I will call you up and pretend that I need your help with something urgent until he moves his chatty ass away.

-I will jump on the grenade at a bar to ensure that you score with the hot guy.

-I will let you tell embarassing stories about me to entertain the company we're with.

-I'll ask you how your family is doing and actually care.

-I'll be there for you when you need me, because you're my friend and I love you.

The above title is only one of about 8,000 quotes that India and myself repeat on a daily basis. In fact, we probably hold regular conversations in quotes alone sometime. The most quoted is probably Chappelle's Show (where the title comes from). Since we quote so often, I thought I'd try and list some of the lines you can often hear us repeating. Bonus points to you if you can guess where they come from. =)

-It cleans my business. My lady business.

-I INVENTED THE PIANO KEY NECKTIE! I INVENTED IT!!!!

-For many days, I did not bring him here because I suffer when he bite me. He bite me on my vagina.

-Guh guh guh guh guh guh guh-bye!

-I need about uh TREE FITTY.

-Down like a clown Charlie Brrr.....down like a clown Charlie Brruu....down like a clown Charlie Bruubruuu.....down like a clown Charlie Bru..Brown.

-I'm bleeeeeeeeediing.

-A great adventure, is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward Lemmiwinks, or you will soon be dead.

-I can't understaaaaand you. Go back to your country. White Power.

-I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!

-I don't want him to bite my labrador on his penis. My labrador is a baby, he's beautiful.

-Graaaaaaandmaa!

-Katie got some bigass tittays.

-Lemmiwinks you must find you're way out of this place or you will surely die.

-Oh my God, the police is here.

-TRUMP! You know our wings will make you happy. TRUMP! You know our wings, will fill you up. TRUMP! If you want cheese, it'll be a dollar extra. TRUMP TRUMP's House of Wings.

-I'm from the streets, bitch.

-I think I'm getting the black lung, pop.

-Passion. Passion. Passion.

-GOD DAMNED LOCH NESS MONSTA!!!

-He no castrated, only vasectomy. He can make love, but he no have babies.

-DERP!

-Al Sharpton's, Casa de Sushi. Al Sharpton's, Casa de Sushi. In the citaaay, of Seacaucus. We don't like it, but we'll serve it to ya.

-I tell ya, boys. Women can kill. Poontang's expensive. That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw 'em and leave 'em. I say, GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM POONTANG BEFORE YOU SUCK MY LIFE DRY!

-I was rooting for you, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!

-Wu-Tang clan ain't nuttin' to fuck with. Wu-Tang clan ain't nutting to fuck with.

-If there was ever a revolution, I'd kill her first. Just to show these crackers I mean business.

-SHINE YUR LIGHT!!!

-Poontang's poontang.

-SIR! I am in no way, shape or form involved in any niggerdom!

-You chose your path wisely Lemmiwinks. I am the catatafish. Catatafish of the stomach's cove. If you answer this riddle, the esophagus will let you pass. Catatafish's riddle will soon be told.



Yeah, we're crackheads.

Seems like Weight Watchers has been around forever. I remember my neighbor being on it ages ago when I was a wee brat. (Now I'm an overgrown brat.) Anyway, I was talking to this lady the other day who is on it, and she let me borrow her "Complete Food Companion" which is a book of like 17,000 foods and their corresponding "points value." It has your run of the mill everyday foods and their values - milk, eggs, cereals, pizza, cake, etc. It also has a large variety of protein foods and their corresponding values. For example(and this is all for real, people).........

Antelope, cooked, 1oz......1
Armadillo, cooked, 1oz....1
Carabou, cooked, 1oz..........1
Gizzard, chicken, cooked....1
Goat, cooked, 1oz................1
Heart
beef, cooked, 1oz.............1
chicken, cooked, 1oz.......1
Opossum, cooked, 1oz.........2
Pigeon, cooked, 1oz.............1
Pigs' Feet, pickled, store-bought, 2oz....3
Rabbit, cooked, 1oz.......1
Raccoon, cooked, 1oz.......2
Squirrel, cooked, 1oz.........1

Tastes like chicken???

Taking cuts.

Never been a big fan. Funny how when we were younger, we'd always call the guilty party out. Now we (or well, I) just stand there and bitch instead. Last night, India and I went to see Charlie Murphy at the Brea Improv. Good show. And I was glad the bouncer dudes were telling people up front not to be yelling shit like, "CHARLAY MURPHAAAAY" or "DARKNESS!" Anyway, we're chilling in the line of about 8,000 long when along comes a group of schmucks whose friends were saving their place in line. Now, I'm a reasonable person and am down with place saving - for a small group of people. But there were like 10 of these fools who made their way in front of us. Not cool. And this isn't the first time this has happened. Probably won't be the last. But the older I get, the less vocal I am about it. At least to the jerkfaces pushing me farther back in line.

1. I hate nuts and peanut butter, but will eat reese's peanut butter cups.
2. I'm afraid to fly and often dream of my plane crashing.
3. My imaginary friend as a child was Bob from Sesame Street.
4. I've only been told "I love you" twice in my life. And one of them was by my 7th grade boyfriend.
5. The concept of eternity scares the crap out of me. No matter how I spend it.
6. Cyndi Lauper was my first favorite rockstar.
7. My aunt knew Elvis.
8. I lost my virginity listening to the Dave Matthews Band.
9. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22.
10. I lost my virginity the day after I told my cousin I was planning to wait.
11. I was Winter Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school.
12. I once spent $500 on a pair of shoes that I've only worn 3 times.
13. My hamster Colby is buried in my parents' backyard.
14. According to a program from the 3rd grade musical revue, I danced solo to Chopin. I cannot for the life of me remember even a fraction of that event.
15. I do remember singing "Froggy went a courting" and turning to wink at Michael Paul during a part that suggesting being in love.
16. My sister resented me growing up, thinking that I was daddy's spoiled little girl who could do no wrong.
17. I resented my sister growing up because my parents (mostly my mom) were constantly giving her attention.
18. As a result, when we had the parent sex education meeting in the 5th grade (divided into 2 rooms for boys and girls), my dad had to go with me since my sister needed my mom to help her with her homework.
19. He was the only man in the room.
20. He scored very high on the quiz at the end.
21. I used to have a treehouse in the backyard.
22. The neighborhood kids would break into it and tag the inside with the names of the popular metal bands of the time.
23. One time I wrote "I hate Sara Clements with an undying passion" on the wall and hung a picture over it.
24. Sara Clements was Art Beltran's girlfriend at the time.
25. Elena Lund and I used to call her "grease monkey."
26. Art Beltran was my first kiss.
27. He's also the first one to feel me up.
28. The neighborhood kids found out what I wrote and made fun of me.
29. One time Sara wanted to fight me because she thought I called her a bitch.
30. I didn't call her a bitch. I called her a slut.
31. I didn't volunteer that to her though.
32. My cat's full name as I named her in the 5th grade was Clarissa Anne Motormewer Waddles Grauer. Clarissa for short.
33. I named her after Melissa Joan Hart's character on "Clarissa Explains It All" on Nickelodeon.
34. My family didn't like the name and started calling her Tigger.
35. We had Tigger put to sleep on January 29th this year. She was 17.
36. On my mom's side of the family I am Scotch-Irish, English and Welsh (a British mutt, if you will).
37. Dad's side is German and Swedish.
38. I often contemplate packing all my shit and moving to another country. Mostly Canada because it's close. Not because I was once crazy for a Canadian.
39. Ok, sometimes I think I'm still a little crazy about the Canadian. But wouldn't make any life changing decision's over him.
40. Well, unless he told me he was crazy 'aboot' me. But that's not gonna happen.
41. I don't think I'd actually up and leave unless both my parents were dead. They're the only ones I can't live without.
42. All the rest of you fools I'd ditch in a second.
43. Just kidding about that last one. I'd still leave, but after longer than a second.
44. Maybe Vancouver though because it's not that long of a flight and only a two hour drive to my cousins in Seattle.
45. I love mushrooms. In every way, shape, form.
46. I have a birthmark on my back that I was once told looks like a scorpion.
47. I think it looks like Britain.
48. My mom has melanoma.
49. Doctor's think they got it all though.
50. Won't know for sure for another few days.
51. Even though I don't want kids, if I ever got knocked up, I think I'd try really hard to be a good parent.
52. My favorite animated Disney feature is Peter Pan.
53. I think there's a very good chance of seeing the end of the world in my lifetime.
54. Definitely in my nephews' lifetime.
55. Sometimes I like to stay home and do nothing for weeks at a time.
56. Not because I'm depressed or anything. I have my reasons, but mostly because I like it.
57. I won the class spelling bee in the 3rd grade.
58. I won on the word "special."
59. Our school went to the county spelling bee and tanked.
60. I once hopped a plane to Dallas on a whim to visit my internet boyfriend.
61. I only told one person at the time and I told her to tell my parents I loved them if anything happened to me.
62. When I was 20, I had 2 shots of 151 chased with beer (amongst other drinks) and puked down some chick's car air conditioning vents.
63. While in retrospect it's a funny story to most, it still remains the scariest night of my life for how out of control my body was at the time.
64. To this day the smell of beer makes me sick.
65. I once came up with a "Look no touch" loophole to justify the showing of my tits to a married guy that I was hot for. My rationale was that men go to strip clubs and watch porno all the time and that's not considered cheating, so technically it was ok for him to watch me fondle my jugs as long as he didn't help me out with it.
66. Even with that said, I still think Anonymous is a bigger slut than me.
67. I once had a dream that I hooked up with Dangle from Reno 911.
68. I played the flute for a semester in the fourth grade. I started ditching class when I realized that the other kids got to do cool art projects while we were in band.
69. Subsequently, I got a 'D' on my progress report in band attendance.
70. That was the first time I tried to forge my dad's signature.
71. I should have tried for my mom's since to this day she still writes like a 6 yr old on crack.
72. I think about my summer in France almost everyday.
73. My first concert was at the Santa Monica Pier with my then best friend Kristina to see The Party (from the new Mickey Mouse Club).
74. It annoys me when people say "Can you keep a secret?" then you say "yes" and they reply, "so can I."
75. I was the Fairy Godmother in the 8th grade presentation of "Cinderella." I had the longest solo in the musical.
76. I still can't believe I sang in front of two showings of students and one of parents without vomiting on stage.
77. I think that I can sing Broadway tunes fairly well, but anything else I think my voice blows goats.
78. No, I know my voice blows goats.
79. I once met Wes Craven and the retard from There's Something About Mary.
80. I also saw CT from MTV's Real World Paris and the Inferno II outside the Spider Club in LA once.
81. My mom thinks he's handsome, but that he's still an asshole.
82. Sometimes I wish I lived in the 1920's.
83. One of the best days of my life was when I upgraded from a twin bed.
84. According to my parents, I ate mud as a kid.
85. I don't remember eating it, but I do remember liking to play in it.
86. I think I'm a hog for other reasons than the mud thing, although it is appropriate.
87. I've never been to Tijuana.
88. I want to own my own landscape design business one day.
89. Others have told me I should go into espionage for my resourcefulness and ability to stalk.
90. I've closed this blog entry, told myself to go to bed and re-opened it 5 times since I've started.
91. I had mono my sophomore year of high school.
92. Romy was right. It was the best diet ever.
93. I truly believed I was going to have a career as a dolphin trainer at one time.
94. To this day I still resent my guidance counselor for telling me it was a bad idea.
95. I've been on this earth almost 27 years and am finding it really difficult to find 5 more things to write about myself.
96. This is the year I graduated high school.
97. My favorite flower is the sweet pea.
98. I didn't vote in the last presidential election.
99. I think Forrest Gump is the movie I've watched the most number of times.
100. I often think about how productive I'd be if I spent less time sleeping, watching tv and blogging, and knowing the result, I will probably continue doing the same activities for the same exorbitant(sp/wc?) amounts of time.