Monday, January 22, 2007

The face that launched a thousand dicks 

My roommate.

You gotta love her. And more than likely you do if you're male. I love her, too. She's prettier than Naomi Campbell, and doesn't beat bitches up to boot. In fact, if I were lesbionic (and I'm heavily considering it these days), she'd probably be at the top of my list next to Elizabeth Hurley.

Seriously though, it's hard to live with Helen of Troy. Don't get me wrong, she is my domestic soul mate. In fact, I'd much rather live with her than anyone else and I have the best time when I'm around her.

But she's ruining my game.

It wasn't so bad when she had a man because the second she'd say she had a boyfriend, then I might get some acknowledgement in the conversation from the pack of dudes that swarm her (and even that didn't stop some). But now that she's single, it's all over. It will not be long before blood is spilt in the pursuit of her company. I feel like Turtle from Entourage having to hope for a piece of Vince's leftovers. She's Christian, and I'm Cyrano. She's Derek Jeter and I'm Wade Boggs. She's Elizabeth Hasslebeck and I'm Rosie O'Donnell. She's Marcia and I'm Jan. INDIA INDIA INDIA!

In all seriousness though, she is one of my best and coolest friends. I love her to death and am truly blessed that she is in my life. I absolutely cannot wait for our housewarming party (details to come) because all males in attendance will be dickmatized. Men will be tripping over their cocks trying to compete for her affection. It will be glorious.

I'll be mainlining Vodka as usual and watching the swordfight. Awesome.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Back with a vengeance 

I'm back people. Finally got the net up and running a couple of days ago from the new place. Anyway, I figured I'd blog cuz it's been awhile and now that I'm back in school I need to do something to procrastinate. Thought I'd use the opportunity to get a few things off my chest. (**Warning: If you're not in the mood for a good rant, then get the f*** out now**.) I've just been in one of those moods where everything annoys me, so I'm hoping that by venting a little I may be able to snap out of it quicker. So here's a list of things that are bugging the hell out of me.

1) People who break glass in the street/parking spaces. I drove through some at the gym last night. Hey assholes, throw the fucking bottle in the trash can, or if you're doing it on purpose then quit being a jackoff. Fortunately I haven't seen a flat tire (yet), but if i ever catch someone leaving glass around I'm gonna take it and break it over your motherfucking head. (Well, we'll see about that last part, but you catch my sentiment.)

2) People who invade my personal space. Unless I invite you into my personal space, you are not welcome there. ESPECIALLY STRANGERS! I don't know where the fuck you've been and I don't want your shit near my shit, so stay back bitches!

3) People who waste my time. I'm so over people (**cough**GUYS**cough**) who feel the need to say they are in to me but not let their actions coincide. This is partially my fault because I allow these douches to string me along. So my part of the deal is not to continue with something if it's a waste of my time and resources (gas for driving, money on Christmas presents, etc). No, I'm not Jessica Alba, but I am a human being for fuck's sake, and believe it or not I have a very active personal/professional life. So do not fucking flake (regularly)..on me or lead me into believing something that ain't true. It's a waste of your time, too dickhead! Didya ever think of that?

4) People who think I am worthless because I am not in a relationship. NEWSFLASH: I ain't you! I don't **NEED** to have a boyfriend/husband, etc. (I do need a benefited friend though. Those I can't live without. Applications accepted.) So don't act like I'm pathetic because I don't have a man in my life. I'm not anywhere near ready for marriage, so right now I'm cool with being alone. I'm cool with having a boyfriend too, but I'm not a miserable turd for *not* having one. I'm a miserable turd for so many other reasons.

5) People who sell magazines to get "points" or "votes", whatever the scam is. I remember when I was a senior in high school, I went to the Montclair Plaza one night. I even remember what I was wearing (don't ask me why, I just remember it was a brownish knit sweater and leggings from Express). I was walking towards Nordstroms when this really hot guy stopped me and..started flirting with me. And of course I bought into it because I was young and naive, but somehow this "flirtation" ended up with me buying a magazine from the really hot guy. Well, it's been over ten years and I'm still getting cornered by these fucks. I even had a moment of weakness last summer and bought a subscription to Self (which I STILL have yet to receive.) I got stopped again today and I wanted to just tell the guy to go get a REAL job, but I didn't. I just dragged it out because I'm a pushover and don't just tell them to fuck off so I can be on my way.

6) People who call themselves fat who really aren't. (Ok girl, you know who you are and I'm not picking on just you specifically. I've heard this shit my whole life from twiggy bitches, so I'm just letting off some pent up steam.) But seriously bitches, quit fucking calling yourself fat. You aren't. Fat Albert is fat. You are not. Now I know that every single one of you out there doing this certainly don't mark the "a few extra pounds" or "more to love" option on your profiles now do you? Yeah, exactly. You're "slim" or "athletic". Uh huh. Caught ya bitches. So seriously, quit bagging on yourself for your weight in front of those of us who do actually have some extra poundage. You are only bringing the razor closer to my wrist by doing so.

7) People in classes who delay the ending so they can ask retarded questions or make stupid comments (ie: hear themselves speak). Ya know, if you're at the college level, especially credential/masters, chances are you have a full-time job and are spread pretty thin throughout the course of the semester/quarter. So nothing makes people like that (namely: ME) happier than a cancelled or shortened class. Well, when the prof decides they are finished, then just let them be finished! If it's a question that might benefit everyone, then go for it. But you also might want to PAY ATTENTION in class, too. Oftentimes your 'tard questions have already been answered but since you were busy text messaging in class you missed it. And the last thing I want to hear is you pontificate on the topic at hand. Yes, you love the sound of your own voice. I DO NOT! So cut me a f***ing break and let me get home in time to watch Seinfeld.

8) People who tell me to SMILE. This oftentimes is coupled with "it can't be that bad." For those of you who may not have noticed,..I happen to have a natural scowl on my face. It doesn't mean I'm pissed. It doesn't mean I'm having a lousy time. It doesn't mean I'm depressed. It MEANS I have a fucking scowl on my face. I'm not going to walk around the grocery store like an asshole just so I don't have people saying that shit to me. I happen to laugh and smile a lot. Ask any one of my co-workers. But I just don't carry that around everywhere with me. And when it's followed by "life isn't that bad"...how the fuck do you know? What if one of my relatives just died, or I'm dying or my dillweed boyfriend gave me the clap? (**These are hypothetical situations**) Don't tell me life isn't that bad, just leave me the hell alone.

9) People at work who accuse me of being grumpy in the morning. I go to work everyday at 6:30am. I am not a morning person. So when I'm greeted in the morning and reply with a muffled "hey" - don't fucking mock me for it! You try getting your ass up at 5am and coming in to work everyday on time, then spending an evening at class listening to some dumbfuck's ramblings on diversity in education. I'm not grumpy, I'm just fucking tired, alright?

10) People who make backhanded compliments regularly. Yeah, I've been guilty of making a few myself in the past. But there are some people who make careers out of it. One woman in particular at work. Just about everyday I hear one of her crackhead comments, but I never say anything, just talk shit behind her back to my co-workers about it. At our Christmas party, I may have sported a somewhat revealing dress. This woman comes up to me and say, "My Kristy, aren't we looking sexy tonight?" Translation: You look like a two-dollar Taiwanese street whore. Eat my ass, bitch. My tits are bigger than your last five generations of woman combined.

What? Me bitter?

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