Monday, May 31, 2004

I guess you had to be there 

My Memorial Day weekend consisted of.....

-Re-connecting with old friends
-Potato salad
-Shopping for professional wear
-Arbormist Wine Blenders
-Getting rear-ended
-Washing rear-ended car
-Stepping on peanut shells
-Losing conciousness
-A Coupling marathon
-Being distracted =)
-Lemon drops
-A ruined halter-top
-Razor burn
-Overbrushed teeth
-Watching the Lakers lose
-Harry Carey
-Modest Mouse
-Phil the Bartender
-Swing music
-Late video rental fees
-Boosts in self-esteem
-Leaking oil
-Floral photography
-Investment planning
-Long lost photos
-Sh** talking
-A 3AM episode of Ground Force
-Jack Black
-Red-headed sluts
-Girl Scout promises
-Facial masks
-Buying floss
-Stolen keys

Four more months until Labor Day weekend

Sunday, May 30, 2004


"A noisy, bald thing is going to crawl out of my genitals and ruin my life. And my mother is going to side with it. "

The Coupling Marathon. Watch it on BBC America.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Best. Show. Ever. 

It's all about Showbiz Moms and Dads

Dude, I love me some stage moms.

And this program doesn't show just stage moms. It shows Duncan Nutter - aspiring middle-aged actor, who moved himself, his wife and seven children from their happy, cushy home in Vermont, to NYC so that he could pursue acting while his wife teaches. Because "my life didn't stop when their's began."

Then there's Debbie Klingensmith, whose son Shane is a "performer" (read: Mickey Mouse Club reject). In all fairness though, Shane isn't a bad kid. It's his mom, who promised her potential time share buyer's sons Shane's autograph. "He's a real hit with the tween girls."

There's Tiffany Barron, who was apprehensive about her 14 yr old daughter Jordan having a five line role in a movie with **GASP** Heidi Fleiss, who is **GASP** a former prostitute. Tiffany ends up bawling her eyes out after Heidi jokingly calls her daughter a little smartass. Heh.

Oh and let's not forget about Mrs. Tye, a south Florida mom who gets her four year old made up like Junior Jon Benet for those "scholarship pageants." She was a bit disappointed in her daughter during the model walk of the pageant because she "looked a little lost." Yeah, because ALL FOUR YEAR OLDS have a clue at that age.

The least annoying (IMO) is little Jordan and her mom. Of all the groups I hope she's the one who actually makes it.

So check it out on Bravo. It's good stuff my friends. If you love to make fun of people like I do, then this is your show.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

It's a Miracle I made it through these movies without a little dancing with myself 

Saw Troy last night and rented Miracle today.

Ya know, I have a lot of anger and hatred towards certain members of the male species, but it's movies like these that remind me why I love me some HOT MEN.

To think, Jennifer Aniston gets to F that body probably anytime she wants. My name is spelled e-n-v-i-o-u-s. The curvature of his naked Pitt ass is an image that will remain in my mind even through the early stages of Alzheimer's.

And it's no secret I have nothin but love for athletes. Hockey players (and well, you lacrosse players, too) you are welcome to slash and crosscheck me anytime you please.

Anyway, I gotta run. I have, uh, stuff to do. =)

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Was it really any surprise?  

I took the Dante's Inferno test and found myself in the second circle of hell - where the lustful reside. (See below right for results and maybe take the test for yourself....)

I took this test because 1) I had to read The Divine Comedy in college, and 2) because I believe that, like Heaven, Hell is a very real place. (Although not exactly how Dante has described.) So I thought I'd give it a go for fun, and see where I would end up.

Interesting though - I scored high for Wrathful and Gloomy (not a huge surprise) and also for Fraudulent, Malicious and Panderers. Fraudulent, I guess, because I have stolen (we used to always steal food from the restaurants we worked at and I often would refill my shampoo bottles and facial products when I worked at the Donna Nieman Salon and Day Spa) and because I said I had pretended to be someone I was not (though in very minor ways). Malicious??? Maybe because I said sometimes people deserve what's coming to them. And when I said I "hate" a lot of people, it's people I don't even know personally - like Osama, et al.

So while I'm on the subject of Heaven/Hell, I might as well disclose some of my real-life beliefs....****Disclaimer**** I'm not trying to cram this down anyone's throat, just sharing my beliefs. I not going to rip on you for what you believe, so please don't rip on me for what I do. If you choose to read below, cool and if not, that's cool too.

I am a born-again Christian - though obviously not the type you would consider when you hear that "title." I am a very "unperfect" person, who has quite a lot to work on, both in my everyday life and my spiritual life. I've heard people say stuff like "Born-agains are the worst." Well, they're the most passionate sometimes. Then there's me who considers herself a born again, and then finds herself in the 2nd circle with the other sluts like Cleopatra and Helen of Troy. I guess I'm the type that's more spiritual, than religious, heh heh.

My thing is, I do believe there's only one way into Heaven - through Jesus Christ, who died on the cross so that we could live eternally with him. This is what I believe. But you'll never hear me say to someone, "You're going to hell" (except in a joking fashion, and I probably shouldn't be doing that either) because who am I to tell someone that? I can't tell anyone they're going to hell for what they do or believe, because I'm not God. I can only share what I believe. I don't know all the answers, and oftentimes I have questioned my beliefs - the existence of God(s), Creation, salvation, etc. But in the end, I can't believe that who I am as a person - who I love, what I believe, what I feel, etc has nothing to with God and everything to do with science. I can't believe that I will never again see my parents, grandparents, sister, nephews, friends, etc. after we die. I can't believe that the 4yr old who died of a brain tumor only had those four years. There are many unanswered questions I have, and things about that Bible that sometimes don't make sense to me and others. But in the end I believe that, He's it, ya know? Jesus is my homeboy.

I can't site any scriptures except the most "popular" and I can't tell you why God allows bad things to happen in the world. I'm not perfect, I sin a lot. I'm not exactly the most stellar representative for Christianity. It's not something I'm proud of as a Christian. But if you're out there and ever want to talk about subject, I'm there. Just gimme a jingle or drop me a line. Because even though it doesn't seem like it, it's an important part of my life. And if there's anything I can't answer or explain, I can find out from one of my "contacts." (My old man is kind of a heavyweight in this area.) Also, if you're interested, there's a book called When Critics Ask by Geisler Howe which helps to shed light on some of the "mysteries" or the Bible, like "Was the earth really created in 6 days?" or "How could the earth have been 'created' if science indicates energy is eternal?" etc. It's an interesting read, regardless of what you believe.

So yeah, I'm in the 2nd circle of Hell right now, but with any luck I won't be there the rest of my life. But it's gonna be pretty tough climbing out of there with boys like Colby from Survivor and the men of Alias heavily on my mind (but thank you, Jesus for blessing me with them to look at =)

And hey - take the test for yourself, so I can see if any of you are hanging out with me and Helen of Troy.

Monday, May 03, 2004

I guess I should start looking into retirement homes 

I watched another fabulous episode of Elimidate this weekend. As usual, the female hopefuls were catty and bitchy, just as I like them. In this episode, one of the girls who was 21, asked the other girls how old they were, and when the one girl replied, "25" the youngin goes something like, "God, you're old," then proceeds to remark about how if she (herself) is not married by the time she's 25 she's gonna jump off a bridge (or something to that extent, but it doesn't really matter because I doubt there'd be many missing her).

Which brings me to the topic of this entry - marriage. You've heard a few reasons why I don't want to have kids of my own. Now you're going to hear why I don't necessarily need a husband at this point in my life. First, let me throw out my disclaimer before I get jumped on by those who either are married, are getting married, or desperately want to be married.......

This post applies to my own life, as well as those girls who are dying to be married at my age right now. My thing is, if it works for you - awesome! Same with kids - they're not for everyone, but if they're for you, then fabulous! These are just my opinions, and they don't apply to all. I'm not an expert, I just know what I've seen from others, and it's just the way I feel.

All I'm saying here is, if you are in the mindset to make a remark such as "if I'm not married by the time I'm 25, I'm gonna kill myself" well then wake up and smell the roses, sista. There's an exciting world out there beyond matrimony. I hate to break it to those who believe this, but 25 is not old. Just because the cutoff for most MTV reality shows is 24, it doesn't mean we should be calling AARP the second we pass that expiration date. Now I may be a bad example because, not wanting kids, I'm not too worried about my biological clock. But seriously folks, you have your whole freaking life to be married. My opinion is 1) if you force a guy to get married before he's ready, he's only going to resent you and make your life miserable down the line. 2) If you're super desperate to be married when you're young, more than likely (as Erica pointed out) you're gonna end up settling for the first freak who comes along. (And if that freak is the "right one" then that's wonderful. Just don't settle because you have to be married.) And if there's one thing I've noticed, things do not get easier when you get married, they get harder AND people do not change, so don't think that you can change your man if you're not happy with him now. My boss told me she got married at 26 because her mom told her to get married while she's young because the older you get, the less likely you are to snag a guy. Now as far as I know, Tracy and her husband have a good marriage and happy family and all, but this is what her mom convinced her - that she'll wind up an old hag if she doesn't marry when she's young.

Here's my take.....obviously, I haven't exactly had a stellar romantic past, but if I was in the mindset that I had to be married by 26, 1st kid by 28, next by 30, etc etc, then I'd be miserable. I stress enough about what I'm doing wrong in attracting men to date, but imagine my insanity if I were looking for a hubby. I'd be a wreck. The way I see it is, last year I spent three of the awesomest (word?) months in France - living it up, meeting new people, traveling etc. And if I had the means I would do it again in a heartbeat. But that's not exactly something I can just up and do if I were sporting a ring on my left hand. Part of the reason I don't want kids is because I want to up and go places whenever I want without worry of where to dump the crumbcrunchers for a week. And if I don't have a husband who has those same desires, that will be difficult to do as well.

So basically I'm trying to enjoy my "youth" while I can. If my future husband comes into my life tomorrow, so be it. If it's a committment I'm ready to make, I'll make it. (Though for the record, I know I'm not ready right now.) But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for him to burst through my door, and i get so f**ing pissed when people act like I should be crying into my pillow because I'm not even close to walking down the aisle. If you wanna know how I feel, watch Bridget Jones's Diary. That's me alright. I'm proud to be a singelton and hope never to be a "smug married." I vow that when I am married off, I'll never ever ask my singleton friends when they're going to "settle down already." For pete's sake the pressure of dating is hard enough, we don't need our "happily married" friends breathing down our backs, too.

And another thing - if I am in a relationship for several years and my man hasn't popped the question - don't be asking me (or him for that matter) why he hasn't. I don't be needing that sh** either. I'm sure that's an issue I'd be dealing enough with trying to figure out on my own, I don't need anybody else joing the inquiry.

This is not a rant on marrieds. If all my friends found the man (or woman) they're gonna marry at 18 and s/he made them insanely happy, and they wanted to get married, then super! I WANT everyone to find happiness. I just don't want them to think it's the end of the world if they aren't married by an age in their 20's. Just my thoughts.

Ok, I'm done.

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