Monday, February 21, 2005

Never thought I'd make this statement 

Man, do I miss Jury Duty.

Even though I was initially annoyed by being selected, I later realized that I am never gonna get a gig as good as I did last fall. Didn't have to be there at 6:30am (we usually started around 9 or 10am), met lots of cool and interesting people, got to have lunch with my best friend who worked next door, learned about our criminal justice system, was home by 4:30pm, no freeway commute, hour and a half break during the day, a nice sized check at the end of my stint, and the best part - an 8 week vacation from work while still getting paid. Although, back then I didn't mind work so much. However, in this day and age, I'm sure there will be plenty of murder cases for me to serve on in the future. We'll see if the system ever selects yours truly once again.

Men - Be afraid. Be very afraid. 

I usually find time each day to browse the headlines on Yahoo!. I usually come across the same old type crap - Bush is pissing off Europe, an old celebrity dies, Lindsay Lohan's dad robs a liquor store, yada yada yada. Today I came across the headline, "Severed Penis Retrieved from Toilet is Reattached." Turns out some guy and his girlfriend were fighting, then had make-up sex where he proceeded to let her tie him to the windowsill (tie to the windowsill????), then she grabbed a kitchen knife, sawed his peep off and flushed it down the toilet.

I'm sorry fellas, but I can't help but laugh. Now, rest assured that if you were ever to date me, I would never slice off your trousersnake. I'd be too repulsed by the amount of blood. I might put your name on the .....has-a-small-penis.com site, but I wouldn't physically harm little will. But I just find it funny what these women do to discard the thing. Flushing it down the toilet??

This whole story reminds me of a girl that I'm no longer friends with, but who made me laugh pretty hard on occasion. Soon after the Lorena Bobbit incident, she was singing some song she'd either heard or made up. I can't remember all the words verbatim, but it was sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme, and went a little something like this......

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A former ex-marine with a little fraction gone(?)
Late one night after gettin' with the wife
She hopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is. Once hung. Now flung.

And since we happen to be on the subject of wienerectomies, there's a book out there called Dozens of Uses for a Dead Dick by Linda Amstutz. The intro reads, "After severing her husband's penis in June 1993, a Northern Virginia woman tossed it from her car window, and drove away. What a waste! There must be dozens of good uses for a dead dick."

Anybody know where I can get a penis golf tee?

Friday, February 11, 2005

I'm glad he stopped calling me 


For those wondering, "Mr. Rogers" is the most recent freak I "dated." I called him Mr. Rogers because he was so damned passionate about kids that he wants to own his own pre-school one day. A perfect match for a child hating freak like me, right? He called me four times last Friday night wanting to hang out, but must have gotten pissed that I didn't call him back right away because I haven't heard from him since. That's ok. As you can see from above, he has a small penis. Heh heh.

Oh. My. God 


Make sure you read the testimonials. My favorite's were Billy Bob Earl Elmer Jones and Not a chance's ("Please take your fake dicks and go fuck yourselves...").

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Ode to my roommate 

How do I love thee, India? Let me count the ways.....

I love your antics, you make me laugh
You are the brightest star of the Brea staff
I love that you bring me Juice it Up and tell me when there's an accident on the freeway
You always take the time to re-fill the ice tray
Your impressions of your former lesbo crackhead roomate make me bust a gut
You'd never judge me for acting like a slut
At least not to my face
You're the only other person I want to live in this place
We make fun of the schmucks on the American Idol show
If someone ever hurt me, I know you'd kill 'em slow
You watch the "milkshake" and "beatdown" clips with me again and again
You're more than just a roommate, you're also my friend
I love that you accept me and all my crazy ways
I wish you nothing but the best for all of your days

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Me and the staff of Brea - 207 with our branch manager Jack at me and India's housewarming party. Whoo hooo - Brea knows how to par-tay! Posted by Hello

Oh, back to school, back to school, to prove to dad I'm not a fool 

School is back in session. Some are happy. Most are not. I am one of those who are not. I took last semester off so that I could get all the testing I needed to do out of the way, and move, and get caught up on my life in general. So it was hard having to go back after several months off. What also made it hard was the fact that I had to sign up for French classes this semester. Not that I don't love me the french, don't get me wrong. But I was hoping not to be required to take any more and only have credential classes left. However, that is not the case.

You may have read a post a couple of months ago about all those tests I was taking - two of which were French. California required the passing of 3 different tests in order to fulfill "subject matter competency" in the area you want to teach. I had passed one of the three the year before. So the other two were the ones I had to pass in order to not have to fulfill competency through coursework (ie: a 2nd BA in French). I was all freaked out because I thought I had done so super crappy on the literature/culture test that there was a snowball's chance of me passing it. Well guess what folks? I passed that sucker. It was the speaking test that I missed by 3 points.

Now many ask, "can't you just re-take the speaking part?" And the answer is no. California has now implemented a new test - the CSET. For any of you kiddies wanting to teach elementary out there, you are probably familiar with how obnoxious the multiple subject CSET is. Well, now there's one for French, and even though I passed 2 of the 3 old tests, it doesn't mean sh** because the requirement as of 1/05 is the CSET for French. And it's obnoxious. But what sucks the most is coming so close. I'd rather have missed the test by a mile, than by 3 points. The funny thing is, I can teach in most states in America with the scores I got. In fact, most states don't even require a literature portion. But good ol' California, the state in which I reside, has the highest score requirement. So if I wanted to say, go get my credential and teach in Hawaii, I could because Hawaii recognizes that I am competent enough to teach French. California does not. I always though Hawaii was a cool ass state.

However, even though I am pissing and moaning about all of this, I do think that everything happens for a reason - so if I'm meant to keeping taking French then so be it. And I know it will only make me a better teacher. I was just hoping not to still be in school and working at Morgan Stanley when I'm 40, because it seems as if I've been in school continuously since I was 4, with the exception of the year off after my BA and the semester off last fall. Besides, tuition's pretty cheap, right? And I make an exorbitant (sp?) amount of money so it's really just pocket change. Heh.

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