Crazy Cat Lady

-My parents are alive
-I am alive
-I have all my limbs
-I don't live in Iraq
-I have great friends
-My midterms are over
-I don't have any children
-My roommate is sane and normal
-I have a job
-It pays the bills
-My car runs (for now)
-I can speak a foreign language (most of the time)
-Grosse Pointe, a short-lived Darren Star series on the WB, is being released on DVD
-There is food in my fridge
-The Canadian is playing pro lacrosse again, thus giving me a better outlet for stalking him
-I don't have to work for certain brokers
-I have a place to crash in Chicago
-I'm disease free (though I think I may have a few mental maladies)
-I've been fortunate enough to travel outside the state I live in
-I am college educated
-I have connections for Club 33 at Disneyland
-I have all my teeth
-I have a closet full of clothes
-Baseball season starts in a few weeks
-I'm going to see The Strokes this weekend
-My family is in good health
-Jesus is my homeboy
-Travis still works at my gym, thus giving me eye candy during tedious workouts
-I have TIVO
-My home wasn't washed away in a hurricane
-Some of the biggest douchebags I've ever met no longer work at our office
-I'm not deaf, blind or mute
-Christopher Guest is making another movie
-I am loved

We all know that there is no good time to send someone packing, and while getting the "let's be friends speech" sucks, more often than not we'd rather be the ones receiving it than giving it. There are, however, a couple of personal tips I have for those who do the dumping. I wasn't going to post this because I thought I was over it, but after my pathetic display last night I realized that is not the case and need to get this out.

Disclaimer: These suggestions are for those who kick ME to the curb (and I'm sure there are several out there in the future). They don't necessarily apply to others who are gonna get the boot, but rather the courtesies that I would like extended to me once you realize you're just not that into me.

1) If the dumpee is in school, please don't chuck that person right before their midterm, (finals, big paper, etc.) Especially if the dumpee has a hard enough time focusing on school as it is. It already sucks having to sit down and study, but it's worse when the dumpee can't get the fact that she's a pathetic piece of poo out of her head.

2) Please don't get rid of someone a few days before they have to go to a wedding. Weddings suck as it is and while an open bar may help console the dumpee, it may also bring out a few actions or phrases not appropriate for a wedding. Not to mention the fact that the dumpee winds up in the wedding photo album looking like a miserable turd.

3) Please don't let the dumpee cook you dinner then dump them. If you know that you're going to chuck them and bring all their stuff back, then don't make them go through the charade of dinner and then cut them loose. Yes, it's noble that you gave the dumpee the courtesy of a face-to-face breakup, but when you're making the plans to give them the axe, just tell 'em "ya know, i'm not that hungry" or "i already ate." That way, the dumpee doesn't have a stomach full of food that they are just going to vomit up shortly after. Plus, it's just less embarassing for the dumpee.

So I know it may be a lot to ask by requesting you wait a few more days. It requires that you fake affection a little bit longer. Yes, being upfront is good. Honesty - good. We wouldn't want you to have to continue with something you just don't want to do and don't encourage you to string that person along. And like I said, there's no convenient time to end something. But by following these suggestions, it makes the process just a little easier on the dumpee.

Thank you for your time.

Got the speech tonight. You know, the one that goes a little something like, "I just thought it's best that I be straightforward with you...I hope we can still be friends...I still wanna hang out....yada yada yada." If you're lucky, you haven't heard that one. I, on the other hand, can recite it backwards and forwards. So in the spirit of Monty Python, I'm going to "always look on the bright side of life."

1. Can go back to being a slut.

2. Can go back to long afternoon naps instead of frantically cleaning the apartment in anticipation of his arrival.

3. No more razorburn from the constant shaving of the pubes.

4. No longer have to conceal the fact that I'm actually a raging drunk.

5. Free and clear for potential shagging at Boston Bob's wedding on Saturday.

6. No more sleeplessness during sleepovers.

7. A break from tedious blowjobs.

8. Ready to mingle when baseball season starts on the 7th (That mini-plan we bought should be a great investment.)

9. No more of that pesky self-confidence that comes from thinking someone actually likes you and is attracted to you.

10. No more guilt from faking my orgasms.

So I dreamt I gave birth last night. It's not the first time I dreamt of that topic. In fact, I've had that dream on a few occasions with varying atmospheres. One time it was in the aisle at Costco with Erick (one of the brokers I used to work for) there to witness the event of me giving birth to a half-kitten baby. Don't ask. Although I think it was because I had made a statement about rather having cats than kids. (NOT because I had sexual relations with a cat. For the record I am completely against beastiality and animal cruelty. )

Last night's dream followed the typical basics. I was out of nowhere knocked-up, with no sign of daddy dearest and either mid-labor or recently delivered. Kim was present to assist me in how to be a mom. Now maybe it's because I recently watched the Season 2 finale of The L Word where Tina pops out the product of her "artificially-lesbionically-inseminated-frozen-mocha-spermcicle." But the resonating theme of the dream was "holy crap, I'm a mother." That and my fear that the pain of breast feeding was going to be unbearable. Oh, and that I was going to name the thing after Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals.

Random? Yes. Crazy? Indeed. Typical Kristy? Absolutely.