Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Papi, the vagina biting dog
If you're not watching Bravo's Showdog Moms and Dads, you need to be. I thought I'd seen it all after watching last season's Showbiz Moms and Dads (see 5-16-04 post), but that is so not the case. There is an even bigger breed of crackheads out there - - beyond stage moms, beyond celebrity has-beens, beyond Donald Trump wannabees. It's reality television at it's finest.
I wasn't all that impressed after the first episode. I thought I could get my fill of self-absorbed dog psychos from the hilariously funny, Best in Show. (Man, I love me some Christopher Guest.) But the show was promising, and I had it Tivo'd, so I figured I might as well give Ep 2 a shot. Oh how I was pleasantly surprised.
There's the usual suspects - Lourdes, whose favorite words are "bitch" and "twat" and who cries at the possibility of her dog being barren (just like she is); Moira (I think is her name) who is a dog trainer and just LOVES her dogs (and sometimes she loves her human son, Adam, too) and then the gay dudes, who call the cops and their moms when one of them holds their dog for "ransom."
But screw those people. It's the hysterical, heavily accented Van Nuys woman and her dog Papi that are the real scene stealers here. She brings Papi (some kind of small chihuahua mutt-like dog) and her baby labrador to the dog park where Papi is a known terrorizer. Apparently he sunk his tiny little teeth into some guy's upper thigh and the guy wasn't too happy about it. He started chasing after the lady in the parking lot, screaming at her.To best recap the scene, I'm just gonna have to quote the thing verbatim, which shouldn't be hard considering I've practically got it committed to memory having watched it 89 times.
***
Man in Suit: "What if it was one of these?" (Pointing to a pack of kids walking by.) "What if it was a child like one of these kids?"
Heavily Accented Hysterical Woman: "The child don't get close! I tell everybody, 'Run! The dog bites!' I told you the first thing I said was the dog bites."
Man: "Then the dog is not right!"
Woman: "You giving me problems, I'm not right--"
Man: "--Oh, I'm going to give you problems"
Woman: "--but you no right either! Ees not my fault! I didn't mean to!"
Man: "It's the dog's, the dog's fault"
Woman: "Ees not my fault. Ees not my fault"
Cut to woman being interviewed in car.
Woman: "For many days I did not bring him here, because I suffer when he bites me. He bite me in my vagina. When I'm walking and he sees other dog, he right away he jump on my vagina because he gets so crazy, he doesn't know who I am. He forgets everything. He bites the labrador on his penis. I don't want him to bite the labrador in his penis. My labrador is a baby, he's beautiful."
Guy calls Van Nuys/LAPD on his cell. Biotch Moira adds, "yeah, I would definitely file a report. "
Woman:"He bite me in my vagina two times he bite me. But his teeths are very small and they don't damage very much. They just they peeench."
Animal control arrives.
Woman: "Oh no, the polices is here."
Woman talks to dog cop.
Woman: "He no castrated. He just vasectomy. Like a man. He can make love, but he won't have babies."
Dog cop tries not to laugh.
Dog cop: "What's your dog's name?'
Woman: "Paaaapi"
End of scene.
***
Papi, you are my hero. Please come live with me so that I can have you sick your pinching little teeths into my enemies crotches. (And my enemies know who they are. Heh heh.)
I wasn't all that impressed after the first episode. I thought I could get my fill of self-absorbed dog psychos from the hilariously funny, Best in Show. (Man, I love me some Christopher Guest.) But the show was promising, and I had it Tivo'd, so I figured I might as well give Ep 2 a shot. Oh how I was pleasantly surprised.
There's the usual suspects - Lourdes, whose favorite words are "bitch" and "twat" and who cries at the possibility of her dog being barren (just like she is); Moira (I think is her name) who is a dog trainer and just LOVES her dogs (and sometimes she loves her human son, Adam, too) and then the gay dudes, who call the cops and their moms when one of them holds their dog for "ransom."
But screw those people. It's the hysterical, heavily accented Van Nuys woman and her dog Papi that are the real scene stealers here. She brings Papi (some kind of small chihuahua mutt-like dog) and her baby labrador to the dog park where Papi is a known terrorizer. Apparently he sunk his tiny little teeth into some guy's upper thigh and the guy wasn't too happy about it. He started chasing after the lady in the parking lot, screaming at her.To best recap the scene, I'm just gonna have to quote the thing verbatim, which shouldn't be hard considering I've practically got it committed to memory having watched it 89 times.
***
Man in Suit: "What if it was one of these?" (Pointing to a pack of kids walking by.) "What if it was a child like one of these kids?"
Heavily Accented Hysterical Woman: "The child don't get close! I tell everybody, 'Run! The dog bites!' I told you the first thing I said was the dog bites."
Man: "Then the dog is not right!"
Woman: "You giving me problems, I'm not right--"
Man: "--Oh, I'm going to give you problems"
Woman: "--but you no right either! Ees not my fault! I didn't mean to!"
Man: "It's the dog's, the dog's fault"
Woman: "Ees not my fault. Ees not my fault"
Cut to woman being interviewed in car.
Woman: "For many days I did not bring him here, because I suffer when he bites me. He bite me in my vagina. When I'm walking and he sees other dog, he right away he jump on my vagina because he gets so crazy, he doesn't know who I am. He forgets everything. He bites the labrador on his penis. I don't want him to bite the labrador in his penis. My labrador is a baby, he's beautiful."
Guy calls Van Nuys/LAPD on his cell. Biotch Moira adds, "yeah, I would definitely file a report. "
Woman:"He bite me in my vagina two times he bite me. But his teeths are very small and they don't damage very much. They just they peeench."
Animal control arrives.
Woman: "Oh no, the polices is here."
Woman talks to dog cop.
Woman: "He no castrated. He just vasectomy. Like a man. He can make love, but he won't have babies."
Dog cop tries not to laugh.
Dog cop: "What's your dog's name?'
Woman: "Paaaapi"
End of scene.
***
Papi, you are my hero. Please come live with me so that I can have you sick your pinching little teeths into my enemies crotches. (And my enemies know who they are. Heh heh.)
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