Saturday, April 10, 2004
It was just a matter of time before this post showed up
50 Reasons Why I Don't Want Children
1. Nine months without drinking
2. Nine months without roller coasters
3. If I smoked, I'd have to give that up for nine months
4. Sore titties
5. Sore cooch
6. Morning sickness
7. Cleaning up various colors of sh**
8. Cleaning up various consistencies of vomit
9. Hemorroids (sp?)
10. Having to spend money on someone other than myself
11. The inability to take spontaneous trips to Vegas or anyplace else in the world
12. Being forced to play lame baby shower games at my lame baby shower
13. Investing in diapers
14. Changing diapers
15. Disposing diapers
16. PTA meetings
17. Soccer games/practices/snack rotation
18. Having to give up the two seater convertible I will one day own (preferably in the form of a Honda S2000)
19. The inability to nap in my spare time
20. The investment in toys (other than for sexual pleasure)
21. Having to save money for college education(s)
22. Having to vacuum up cracker crumbs off the floor of my car
23. Having to deal with childhood sickness
24. Middle of the night feedings
25. Paying for babysitters
26. Acquiring babysitters
27. Not being able to swear
28. Having to force medicine down a kid's throat as they fight you with all their force
29. Possible custody battles
30. Adding a lot more weight to my already tubby frame
31. Having to give up work for maternity leave
32. Use of a breast pump
33. Becoming one of those stoller-pushing bitches at Disneyland/the mall/venue of choice
34. Money for braces/retainer, etc
35. Money for lessons
36. Money for band instruments (though it's highly doubtful I'd let my kid join the band anyway)
37. Taking a needle to the spine for delivery anesthesia (sp?)
38. The potential episiodemy (and if you boys out there don't know what that is, well, I'll be nice and not tell you)
39. Giving up space in my car for a carseat
40. Passing on my neuroses (sp?) to some poor bastard who didn't ask to be brought into this world
41. Passing on my physical genes to the same poor bastard
42. The noise
43. The pain of delivery
44. The discomfort of pregnancy
45. The cost of delivery and pregnancy
46. Having to drag a screaming kid out of the toystore/Thomas the Tank Engine store etc, when it's time to go home while everyone turns around and stares at you
47. Not able to spank my kid when it acts up without it being called child abuse
48. Staying up late, worrying when the kid doesn't come home on time
49. Having to listen to friends/family members tell me how I should raise my child
50. Not being able to get laid soon after popping the thing out
1. Nine months without drinking
2. Nine months without roller coasters
3. If I smoked, I'd have to give that up for nine months
4. Sore titties
5. Sore cooch
6. Morning sickness
7. Cleaning up various colors of sh**
8. Cleaning up various consistencies of vomit
9. Hemorroids (sp?)
10. Having to spend money on someone other than myself
11. The inability to take spontaneous trips to Vegas or anyplace else in the world
12. Being forced to play lame baby shower games at my lame baby shower
13. Investing in diapers
14. Changing diapers
15. Disposing diapers
16. PTA meetings
17. Soccer games/practices/snack rotation
18. Having to give up the two seater convertible I will one day own (preferably in the form of a Honda S2000)
19. The inability to nap in my spare time
20. The investment in toys (other than for sexual pleasure)
21. Having to save money for college education(s)
22. Having to vacuum up cracker crumbs off the floor of my car
23. Having to deal with childhood sickness
24. Middle of the night feedings
25. Paying for babysitters
26. Acquiring babysitters
27. Not being able to swear
28. Having to force medicine down a kid's throat as they fight you with all their force
29. Possible custody battles
30. Adding a lot more weight to my already tubby frame
31. Having to give up work for maternity leave
32. Use of a breast pump
33. Becoming one of those stoller-pushing bitches at Disneyland/the mall/venue of choice
34. Money for braces/retainer, etc
35. Money for lessons
36. Money for band instruments (though it's highly doubtful I'd let my kid join the band anyway)
37. Taking a needle to the spine for delivery anesthesia (sp?)
38. The potential episiodemy (and if you boys out there don't know what that is, well, I'll be nice and not tell you)
39. Giving up space in my car for a carseat
40. Passing on my neuroses (sp?) to some poor bastard who didn't ask to be brought into this world
41. Passing on my physical genes to the same poor bastard
42. The noise
43. The pain of delivery
44. The discomfort of pregnancy
45. The cost of delivery and pregnancy
46. Having to drag a screaming kid out of the toystore/Thomas the Tank Engine store etc, when it's time to go home while everyone turns around and stares at you
47. Not able to spank my kid when it acts up without it being called child abuse
48. Staying up late, worrying when the kid doesn't come home on time
49. Having to listen to friends/family members tell me how I should raise my child
50. Not being able to get laid soon after popping the thing out
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